Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
