matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
