My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
