my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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