I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
His nipple licking is glorious
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