Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
