there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
