I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize