I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize