stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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