My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize