im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
