god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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