Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
