You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
