with your own penis?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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