I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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