Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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