i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
