you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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