cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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