well I can't set my house on fire every night
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
