Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
