i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
