I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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