dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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