how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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