I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
