The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize