Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
