is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
