Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
