i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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