I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
