____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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