I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
