hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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