I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
