You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
