3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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