If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My bed smells like the plague
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