im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize