he thought i was a dude.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
