I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize