I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
