textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
