did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
