You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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