The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
