im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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