So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
