Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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