I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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