I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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