I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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