Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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