Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
